So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
