I just pynch a tree in the face
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize