remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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