u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
