I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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