I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
4 words: hood of his car
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize