Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
