Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize