Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
