I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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