Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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