I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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