The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize