my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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