does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
