i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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