Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
