Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
