I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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