the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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