Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
