between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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