Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
