The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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