Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's shark week go big or go home
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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