My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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