I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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