Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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