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When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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