We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize