im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
