Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
