she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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