i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My ass is underappreciated
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
