omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
