Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
