i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
