i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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