May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
