dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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