The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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