You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
