Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize