you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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