The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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