our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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