I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The power of my boobs compel you
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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