I smell stomach acid.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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