I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
