Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
