Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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