guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
