Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
