Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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