A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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