I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
