"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
