Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
MIDGETS
????
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
