He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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