This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
