I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
