woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
