goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
