i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
