if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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