Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
