omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
