I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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